I owe you an apology and maybe a pedicure and bouquet of flowers. I finally get it, like really truly get it and I am so sorry I was kind of a punk. As you know I sent my oldest off to camp this week. Five nights and six days away from me. Before this she only ever went on one night sleepovers. I knew it would be hard and I tried to prepare myself, but it is more than I expected. Not seeing her face, hearing her voice or knowing exactly what she is doing is hard. Her camp is only 45 minutes away. It is a faith based camp all about high adventure. And while I know it is amazing, I also know she is being challenged physically and spiritually. Both really good things, but the mama bear in me worries. What if she is scared? What if the other girls are mean to her? What if she misses me as much as I miss her? Is she sleeping ok? Eating enough? And on and on and on.
I pray desperate prayers of comfort and protection and have to just let it go. Which is hard. They post photos on Facebook once a day and I have turned into a FB stalker. For 2 days she wasn’t in a single photo and man did that kick my anxiety into high gear. And then today there she is, not smiling (which I had hoped for) but action shots. My heart immediately slowed down and I could breath better. Tomorrow we go pick her up and the time can’t move fast enough. I know my worries are over the top, but they are here and I am still learning as a mom how to handle this new stage of growing up and separation.
So again I am sorry. I am sorry I acted annoyed when you wanted that extra long hug before I went somewhere. I am sorry I didn’t understand how hard it was for you to let me go and try new things away from you. I am sorry I did not comprehend the deep bond between a mother and child and the anxiety that can cause mom. I know I was a fiercely independent child and I can’t imagine that helped ease the stress for you. Now I know, and wow motherhood is not for the weak!
Your daughter the one still figuring out motherhood!
I wrote this letter last summer and as we approach Mother’s Day I was reminded of this all over again. My daughter came home happy and healthy and I survived, but man was it hard!