Live in the moment.
It goes by too fast.
Time waits for no one.
I know these things, I live these things every day. Every day I wonder how I got here. How my newborn baby girl is on the verge of middle school and how I don’t have a baby in the house. That’s who I am. The lady with all the kids. The one who is constantly having another baby, never without lots of little ones. And yet here I am without a baby. I clearly recall the days wondering if I will ever sleep through the night. Wondering if I will ever get a break from the constant need of little ones. And then here I am. I still don’t sleep but I see the days suddenly passing by so quickly.
Those days and weeks that could seem endless and overwhelming are now flying by and I wonder where it went. Where did the past 12 years go? And what do I have to show for them?
I know I need to live in the moment, now more than ever. And yet I can’t seem to do it.
I really struggle with stepping back and soaking it all in.
I struggle with slowing down and just being.
Relax? I am not sure I know how to do that anymore.
I am a go getter, a doer. I am at my best when I am accomplishing things.
But what if the one thing I am supposed to be accomplishing I am really failing at?
What if my biggest goal, the goal of being a good mom, is my biggest failure because I was too busy doing instead of being?
My husband is good at being in the moment. I admit there are times I look at him with envy and jealousy. Why can’t I be that present? Why can’t I turn my brain off and just be focused on that one task at hand, my kids. My multitasking is always in hyper drive and it’s hard to turn off even though I want to.
I’d like to think there is hope and that I can change. I try every day, I get up with the goal of really soaking it in and I usually fail.
This year will be my year of relax and focus. My year of being present and really being. I do a lot of things, I think it is important to be involved with my kid’s school, our church and our community. As I do those things I am going to try to focus on just those things. I have taken to carrying a pad and pen to write down things as they pop into my head as a way of acknowledging them and then regaining my focus. I am making a concerted effort to start my day not only in prayer but in reflection to help me find focus right when I wake up.
Day by day I am working on it because I really want to be that mom who is truly in the moment, present in every way. I know I can be her but until I am her it is killing me.
The hours are long but the days are fast…. never have truer words been written. This mom is going to soak in every minute of every hour, even if it kills her.