The irony of being a private person and having a blog is that you put your world on display for all to see, yet you often get to choose the version people see. I often struggle with sharing sometimes I want to share too much and worry I will regret it later and other times I know I share too little and wish I had the courage to share more. I have shared some about my Grave’s Disease and it has been so rewarding. I spent an hour on the phone with someone I did not know who watched my video about my Total Thyroidectomy Scar and reached out to me. We have become supporter’s of each other as we journey down this crazy path of thyroid problems and I am so grateful because it is a really lonely path.
I have 4 kids, yes 4 kids and I had all of them before I was 30 and my oldest was 5 1/2 when my youngest was born and it is crazy and wild and overwhelming and amazing and so many other things all wrapped into one and I hardly share anything about what that means for real. Why? Because I am a duck unruffled sailing smoothly along where others can see and underneath I am paddling for dear life. Kicking frantically as I try to figure out how to be the mom I want to be while caring for 4 young kids.
I know that my choice of family size is controversial, as are a lot of things I do. I am constantly teaching my daughter to be strong and proud of who she is and to realize she is not like anyone else, we are not like anyone else. Yet I worry. I worry about how I look and my family looks to others. I worry that one encounter with me will reinforce a stereotype they have about big families. That my toddlers one uncharacteristic temper tantrum will make someone think look at that crazy lady with too many kids. And that worry is making me crazy sometimes.
So do you want to know what it is like to have 4 kids this close together, what it is really like to be me?
Crazy, exciting, sad, overwhelming, insane, exhilarating and exhausting.
I have 4 kids and some days that is too many and some days it is not enough. One morning I wake up and say I cannot handle anymore kids and the next day I tear up at the thought of never having another baby.
My house is a mess 95% of the time which I hate, I want a clean house. I want to be that friend you can drop in on anytime but I am not PLEASE CALL AHEAD, preferably at least one day. I have 4 messy little kids who are terrible at cleaning up after themselves… it’s a work in progress.
I struggle with work life balance. I am a stay at home mom who fell backwards into a work at home job that I love. I struggle with feeling guilty when it takes me away from my kids. I struggle with finding the time to be the best mom I can be while doing the best I can at my job. I am grateful it provides the extra income we depend on and I am grateful I love it yet I can not seem to find the perfect balance most of the time.
All of this to say life is messy and no one is perfect we are all just ducks trying our best to look unruffled while we frantically paddle our legs for dear life towards dry land!
And thanks my dear readers for coming along on this ride with me.
Up next find out why having 4 kids and finding a baby sitter is like finding a needle in a haystack….
This duck is going to bed my legs are tired from paddling and my FitBit Zip says I only have 5203 steps for today LIAR you must multiply that by 4 to really understand all of my steps!